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[13 Sep 2004|11:04pm] |
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Oh my fucking god... I found the White Album that Robin burned me last year... yes i am happy.
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| Confessions (this is my trial) |
[01 Sep 2004|03:57pm] |
How to begin, how to begin. I knew I had to write this, it became clear to me at school that i had to write something. For the past few weeks I have been the introvert, and tried my best to burry all of my thoughts and feelings cause otherwise they would have tortured me. Maybe this is an apology, maybe i think appologies are just too weak to even be taken seriously, and yes I am sorry, and this whole thing maybe is just too express how sorry I am. I had this thing roughly outlined in my head so here it goes.
For better or for worse, I have realized that I have sincerly changed. Those around me may have noticed that I acted somewhat differently as of late. Raquel had stated at one point that she was angry that I felt no guilt, well I did, and I think what happened recently was a temporary change to accomodate the guilt and keep it internalized within myself. I felt I had to act differently to make up for the fact that I wasn't telling the truth, in other words I was lying to myself. I mean I debated it over and over and over. Should I tell her, or not. I knew I would have to eventually, yes that is a shitty word but it's the truth, and at times I came close to breaking down about it. No one knows this, maybe Joia does, but it was pretty much all internal, all masked. As for how I have actually changed... Emo Chris is pretty much gone, not int he way you think. I am not insensitive, but you will probably never hear me complain about a girl not seeing me for more than a friend or that it isn't fair. I was given my chance, I worked hard to prove myself to Pam, that I was dead serious and I meant everything. I was driven, and there was much confusion and some pain to myself and others along the way. Through fate or chance, i eventually did get together with Pam, and i felt extremely lucky. I guess I really do owe it all to you Raquel, but I do not have the audacity to presume that I understand the course of my life and how every single event shapes it, maybe I could have been with her in 3 years, i really don't know. I think now, that true love does exist, maybe not everyone is given the oppurtunity to have it, but sometimes you get 1 or 2 chances, and with those precious few tries, you have to recognize what you have. For me my biggest mistake and sin, was ever doubting, ever thinking that I didn't have something special, that it wasn't worth it. Maybe I don't deserve love, if I must be in the process of losing it to realize just how much it means to me. But I am certain now, certainty struck with it's own icy hands partly last night, and fully settled in today. I barely focused in school. I felt my usual regret, but I felt something else. I felt like, I couldn't stand the thought of being with anyone other then Pam, the thought I might never get to hold her hand, that it was just gone, gone to be replaced by only an empty shadow of regret in her heart for risking something for me. But would be far worse is if I never said any of this. What I am trying to say here is I really do love you Pam (Livejournal is a pretty crappy place to put all this, but I couldn't take any chances, because I might not get to talk to you or talk to you to tell you, and if I do I will spill myself exactly the same way). Even if you never give me another chance, I know, not think, know I could prove my love, prove my sincerity, and give you faith. I know this. But I really fucked up, joia told me that if people understood the whole situation they might be more forgiving, I think that no matter what, the act in and of itself of cheating is so bad that circumstances just don't really matter, I broke your trust in the worst way. I regret it whole heartedly, I know now that no excuse, no reason, could ever justify the way it makes someone feel to do that to them, and the way I felt afterwards, there is no way I could ever do it again. In the beginning it really was Sarah's idea, but what followed afterwards I would have to blame entirely on myself, as I have said before. And i know, If I had another chance, I the thought would never even cross my mind, I will never have a reason to cheat. I wanted to see if we still had a bond, to know if it hurts you Pam, hurts you as much as it does me to be seperate. All it takes is one mistake, and I've pretty much lost the most important thing to me, all that we built, will just fade away. Maybe I don't know exactly how to rebuild your trust, but I will find away, if you gave me that chance.
I hope I got down everything that was on my mind. I'm sorry I let you all down, I let myself down. I had been doing so well to become the best person I could possibly be, but I know who I am know. I know who I want to be, consider that my change, no longer any doubts. Forgive me for being redundant, but I really do love you pam, and I want to be with no one else. That's it more or less at the end I'm going to include a poem I wrote last night, I really wish someone could read my mind and grant total conviction to my words, but in the end I will just have to trust you readers to believe me. Maybe my last lj post, and I may have fallen out of grace with the group. Raquel, I'm sorry we never got along, or stopped getting along, I know you don't really want to ever be understood. Maybe it's the stupid virgo in me trying to impose meaning on a world that has none, I will always truly admire your loyalty. Michelle, you probbaly know me better then anyone out of the group, meaning you knew my worst flaws, I am truly thankful for the moments when we did talk and had open conversations, the times when we were close. Jessica and Liz, I never really got to know you guys, nor will I pretend like I ever did, but both of you were always nice to me, even if you liz probably hated my guts at certain points, like now.
The Poem
love, i never meant it, more then now, why?, i know, questions, and answers, we play the game, ask me, this time its honest, days i was consumed , guilt, guilt, i could never see, your face, contorted into something sad, something that shouldnt be there, but i shouldnt have done it, to let myself forget, you, and something we shared, kisses and our last embraces, meant so much more, how could i let it drift away, like an old record, you put it on, the music still grips you, a melody still holds me, i think this is love, let you never know a moment, of doubt, i want to hold you, and just close your eyes, because i've seen your nightmares before, the place we used to sit, is just around the corner, let me show, sincerity, to the wounded, let your tears fall, into my eyes, stinging, painful, is this love?, a moment, a second, in this space, without you, i see only what i've lost, give me the chance, i don't deserve it, but i want you, to show you, to build, so you can put your faith, in me, the city crumbles all around, it was my chance, beautiful, someday, you will cover your eyes, and i can lead you, away from any doubt, i think this is love, i know i mean it
What happens now I really don't know. But I have spoken, this is the truth. I wish you all the best of luck if I do not ever become on friendly terms with anyone. In the immortal words of Roger Waters, "Come on you target for faraway laughter, come on you stranger, you legend, you martyr, and shine!"
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| i cant remember if i cried when i read about his widowed bride |
[20 Aug 2004|04:09pm] |
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The End - The Doors |
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Awesome Fight Club Quote - "Pull a lever. Push a button. You don't understand any of it, and then you just die."
I owe so much of everything I have to music. I know many people who say,"Music is my life." I'm not sure if I am pretentious enough to say that for myself, but music has always been a large part ever since I got my first cd player, along with a Blink-182 and a 3 Doors Down cd. The thing is, music is always there, you can sink into headphones whenever you need to, nobody will prevent you from it. There's a deep connection I've always gotten with the music I listened to, some stuff I just like the sound of, but generally I love to take the music and relate it to myself, because there is something deep going on there. A melody brings poetry to life, and something has happened, because in those moments, you have connected with the artist who wrote it, maybe they had no idea what they meant at the time their pens fumbled across the sheet of paper, but on some level there is a connection. I remember feeling certain emotions from songs, and getting them nowhere else, because at the time I lacked the real-life experiences to give me those emotions. I've always wanted to be able to do that, to somehow reach a person, maybe that seems self-absorbed, but to be able to let someone feel what you have felt is something truly rewarding in times when people take simple words all too lightly, we are dying for something new all the time. Issues like love, poverty, and violence will likely always exist in our society, and we can always have music to express it...
Spurred by Adam, I've been listening to The Doors a lot recently, and I discovered that I loved the song in Apocolypse Now, "The End" (which by the way is one of the best movies I have ever seen) along with a few others. I always seem to go for anything classic rock from the 60's and 70's especially british rock. Wow my little sister and her friend cannot play piano, like at all, and it's slightly annoying but oh well they are young yet.
in the light, only silihouette, to disguise you, beauty over age, come into the light, nothing but roses, pretty and prickly, exists outside, every night I come, finding footprints, on a doormat, you never let me meet you, always back, to which you came from, maybe you don't, fathom, pining over thought, and the soft glow, coming from the windows, doesn't adhere to the moon, I see your trees everday, and I will not deny, my fright, places of unchecked, and brutal nature, I've long to run in those, places with you, to see a side i, thought was dead in me, just as you long, to enjoy the heat of a fire, two creatures, barriers and borders, summer never lasted forever, to welcome a winter, so different, i stood in the light, but both of us, are alone
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| Let's get together, before we get much older |
[20 Aug 2004|12:23am] |
wow today has just been like today... usualness... i missed pam twice, but ill be up early for sure tommorow to be able to talk to her ^_^.... im coming back on saturday, being driven by my mom, that will be nice, taking all my crap back to berkeley... it will be nice to go back, and i actually dont mind starting school for some reason, just doesnt seem that big a deal. wooosh i dont know what to say, we went to bills birthday party, my sister bought me the hosues of the holy shirt, and we got bill a tower gift certificate... we hung out at brian's for awhile and i played guitar a little then we drove home... o yeah and i got to sit in the living room playing guitar and sulking cause i wanted to use the computer, well bleh to her cause she has to work tommorow and she cant stop meh. well im sure she could find a way to ruin my life, no im kidding im bored...............
breathe, slow, like a wall, just a pulse away, if i think, i feel it the same, just open the door, and you are waiting....
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| smeared black ink |
[18 Aug 2004|08:03pm] |
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behind blue eyes - the who |
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I went to costco with my mom, after hiding from everyone, cause they were all pissed at me. And I got The Who's greatest hits, and a new cd player, which is awesome, with all my newfangled burned cds, and yeah im making them for you raquel. my day was uneventful as usual. I've discovered this comedian Bill Hicks and I was reading through one of the transcripts of his shows and he is funny as hell. And I like the who a lot now, i have grown an enormous respect for Pete Townshend, because he was the guitarist and he wrote like every one of their songs. And i am absolutely obsessed with the postal service song "The district sleeps alone" that is such a good song, i'm surprised i was even able to tolerate the techno-ish stuff, because i am not the biggest fan of techno.
just from birth, green wad, of dirty, happiness, i even liked the smell, of damp metal, always faintly on, my fingers, after another trade, all you learn, your final achievement, after education, is to be a little greedy, because its really not, my fault if someone, goes hungry, is it?, someone will stop, you out, steal your job, stay on top, never look back, but..., they never mentioned, 10 years, reminiscence, with a nice house, respectable car, in a respectable, neighborhood, was not wasted, but the mirror, is dirty, my cheeks are starting, to sag, what happened?, yesterday, was me laughing, going off to college, what happened, to all my friends, nights we shared, or love, myriads of emotions, to peak off, on a mountain i will, never, ever, be able to climb, hibernating mortality, awakens only now, when i stare at, a $5000 painting, he is dead, he lived, now i know what, lived means, a scientific definition, but it materializes, only now, did i ever live, seems i had put it all on hold, in search for a better, way of life, all the vases, and exquisite rugs, don't mean much, to a flicker, of what "could have been", i wander my house, seeking solitude, in these walls, in a sofa, as long as a limousine,
bleahhhhhh writers block, couldnt think of a good way to end it so for now i leave the ending indefenite........................................
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| My dreams are awesome |
[17 Aug 2004|02:03pm] |
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music |
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Pink Floyd - Thin Ice |
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I knew I was dreaming last night, it was so awesome, I pinched myself and I didn't feel anything (why does this actually work) and proceeded to have fun, too bad the dream was coming to an end. God those dreams are cool, and it seems like I've been having dreams that I actually want to have lately, I guess it has a lot do with what you're thinking about before you go to sleep, i.e. if you think about going to a theme park a lot the night before, then you will probably dream about it. I've changed my opinions of dreams, they rule!
11 days till shes back
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| ticking away... |
[17 Aug 2004|11:49am] |
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Stevie Ray Vaughn - Dirty Pool |
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Survey stolen from Pam.
( survey )
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| remember when you were young, you shone like the sun |
[16 Aug 2004|01:55pm] |
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shine on - pink floyd |
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i like to play guitar. i like it a lot. i can sit down and its in my fingers. well in actuality it would be in my mind, but i feel it in my fingers. and sometimes i have to warm up and i dont hit the notes exactly right, but a few runs through my scales or black dog, and both my hand are the efficient partners they know how to be. im learning the stairway solo, but the part where he bends like a madman hurts my fingers a tad... but they will be fine. i love david gilmour solos cause i can hear like 4 or 5 notes of it and be like "thats blah bla blah" knowing the song and everything. he puts so much personality and feeling into his solos its beautiful...
missing someone is like knowing what youre getting for christmas. you beg and beg your parents to let you have it early, but they insist "no, you have to be patient" and youre thinking, well that sucks. but somehow deep down you know you have to wait too, because youll have a lot to look forward to.
jumping over the fence, to dance in the sun, never made any sense, why wont they let me have fun,
ill see you next week, i saw you today, what i seek, fading away,
the light of a lamp, to read your writing, my house is damp, but i wont give up fighting,
i hold on tight, even though it pains me, teasing myself by your light, i know i am going crazy,
yes i know makes absolutely no sense, but it was fun to write.
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[11 Aug 2004|10:59am] |
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i got to talk to pam on msn last night ^_^ twas very nice.... she was going to try and call me and i stayed up till like 5 30 waiting for le call, but i think something happened maybe shell try and call today or sometime, that would be nice... but shell be back on friday for sure so yeah, till then... gosh im tired right now...
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[10 Aug 2004|04:32pm] |
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shine on you crazy diamond (im obsessed witht this song) |
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Theres so much i have left to accomplish, its like today i was just thinking about how i am going to change and what im going to get done this yea, and its a lot of stuff lol... im tryin to be less of afraid of everything in my life (fear and love are the deepest of human emotions lol) and to just let that which does not matter truly slide... but thats hard to let go of my conventions ive had all my life... so many things have been conditioned into my mind, how to think, how to act in certain social situations, just all of it, i want to be able to change andf act on my true feelings and not worry and get caught up in inhibitions. i guess id need some goals, and i should probably just start with one for now, if i actually want to make this work... alright a simple goal.... from this day fourth i will practice guitar at least 4 hours everyday.... ok now i got something to work with.... now in a week i need to evaluate and see if i achieved my goal.. blah, this year i think high school will be a lot better then last year... for many reasons i suppose, but im thinking it wont be so monotonous.... thas what im hoping... blah i watched fight club again, this time with the writer and screenwriter commentary on, very interesting stuff i must say, and im getting the book today too, god im obsessed with that movie, but i think what i love about it most is there is so much philosophy to soak up and i love tha philosophy that goes against are consumeristic society of today, i tihnk its all very pathetic and hate being a slave to it, i also love that they end up destroying modern soicety at the end of the movie... so chaotic... watching bulidings blow up with that pixies song playing in the background, is just soo perfect. k done ranting now...
18 more days till pam gets here!
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[09 Aug 2004|09:52pm] |
sometimes the words, they float, above me, and i can only, watch, detatched fascination, murder, rape, the lights are shining so bright, im blind, so dulled, to anything that matters, because i get so afraid, deep down, im crying all over again, just a little boy, screaming, wondering, if i really mattered, to anyone, wondering why people, like to hurt each other so much, but i put him away, the little boy took, a vacation, emotional breakdowns, i just dont have time, to cry anymore, everyones crying, everyones dying, some go home hungry, and theres not a damn thing, i can do about it, when i cant stand, im permanently reclined, so give me a hand, old pal, old friend, your eyes have faded, and your skin is wrinkled, but we can stil, reminsice, we laugh, at our own ignorence, but how i long, long, to believe, theres still some meaning, left, places where, no one dies unjustly, people will get what they, deserve, evil falls always, but the truth haunts me, its all so complex, right and wrong, i have to live, where its all gray, and i see the world that way, so gray, the colors where washed, out when i finally, accepted, and grew up, im looking so hard, for meaning, something more concrete, the half-promises, i made long ago, to be the best i ever could, somewhere, where my scream will be heard, not just an echo in, my own head, just a faint resonance, is all i am, a reflection of, how i wish i was, a day, an hour, a minute, a second, the time passing, just to pass, untill the end, i walk through these, cold streets, looking for a different, kind of light, then the postlamps, and bright neon in the city, a light, somewhere where ive lived in my heart, where i could exist, and love, the fall of a tree, and the death of my friend, to let myself, fall, not minding, if no one, catchs me..
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| i wish i was special |
[09 Aug 2004|09:09am] |
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Where is my mind? - The Pixies |
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why i am i updating, i really dont know, but it sounds good i suppose. i saw collateral last night, it was pretty good cept for the fact that i wanted tom cruise to live and kill everyone at the end, but i dont think my ending is exactly average-movie-goer friendly... and ummm yeah. i gots me new strings yesterday, they are elixers, sooo awesome, and they sound pretty good too. my average day has consisted of waking up at 9 ish, using the bathroom, going to sleep till lik 11 30 ish then actually getting up... doing nothin till like 2 then i take a long shower.... and then at that point we usually have to go and buy something... then we come back and i watch a movie or something, o and i go on the comp a lot, to read ljs hoping someone new posted, i assure you the occurence is rare but pam posted again, and she will be all this week XD, good news, cause i was worryin for awhile.... kel and jessica are in vegas, liz is in somewhere, mich is leaving yet again... and pam is gone for like another like 3 weeks.....blagh, so here i sit doing nothing, which will continue for awhile till i get my ass back to le bezerkely and there i can go back to work!!!! joyus fucking occasion, work. unlike kel i find it hard to remenisce about work, i dunno, i mean i just didnt get along with people, wait scratch that, i tried to get along with people but not very many people at the community theatre liked me, for awhile i thought it might be something racial, but thats obsolete anyways, point is seemed like lots of people just didnt like me, i mean i got along with like markeith and jonathan sort of, ooo and i have to give jonathan mich's letter, i wonder how he will react, lol, ill see i suppose.... jesus this song makes me want to watch fight club again, which i will do today since i gots nothing to do..... and the last post i still urge everyone to read, cause at the time i wrote it something was seriously bothering me, and i havent randomly felt that sad in a long time, but im ok now... till next time
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| SO HERE I AM ALIVE AT LAST |
[07 Aug 2004|09:43pm] |
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missing ... |
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Every breath you take - the police |
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something has gotten under my skin... like sand in an oyster, i havent felt this passionately for a long time.... please read this poem...
tommorow is gonna be brighter, i swear someday, i swear, im gonna be happy, even if it fucking kills me, i want to die, with a smile, even if my best, friend, were to put a gun, to the temple, im gonna grin, i swear someday, all of our stuggle, will have defined us, we'll be able to stop, we'll know who we are, and that day, just like me, youll relax, i swear, when you stand on the top, of that hill, stare at the city, someone had to build it, but theyd get to see it, all the same, the dirt, someones forcing it up my nose, and i just want to tap, out, fuck im tired, of living like this, i just want, what i want, seems like everyday, someone wants to argue, someone wants to, see what im made of, see what i can handle, see how long, how many insults, how many dirty stares, how many snubs, before i just break, the dam held this all, along, why not burst, for the hell of it, i think ive learned, ive been raised, strong morals, all these rules, and ethics, they are meaningless now, they told me, one more shirt, one more cd player, and id be complete, im still missing something, i dont want any instant gratification, and im not even asking, for sedated happiness, i just want to be content, can you show me how to smile, when i fail a test, when i let someone down, can show me how to stand, in the face of failure, can show me, inbetween black and white, right and wrong, and save me from, my stubborn indecisiveness, cause i need something, im so young, why do i feel so tired, why do people at malls, make me want to cry, society cant be that bad, thinly veiled facades, wont hide the truth, the world is almost, coming to an end, apathetic leaders, will lead us to doom, because their sight is so short, they cant see past greed, cant see we all lose in the end, they cant outlast the earth, were all going down on this ride, so just hold me up, i think im feinting, just catch me when i fall, ill trust you, youll never know how much, i just want to, have just blind faith, in something, a certainty, to keep me living, through insanity, ive been doing things, expecting different ends, but the means cant, justify a dead end, college, ha, i thought about it, ill end up a whore, of the system, like everyone else, cause they will let me starve, without thinking twice, i let them starve everyday, even their eyes beg me, for just a little change, hell go buy booze, its all bullshit, im still gonna let him starve, but im starving too, im lost, i never felt so lost, and all i want now is, your hand, dont ever let go, cause im blind, so jaded, so callous, and cynical, you gave me, just a little magic, where i was drying so much, a single moment, im not here, its somewhere else, and i forget, i love the focus, so intent, so singular, i never have to worry, about the darkness that, just choking me, tell me i can change the world, yell and scream, tell me i can change this, for us, tell me i have some power, some kind of influence, ill falter, and when i do, shove me back up, cause the world aint that bad, it aint that sad, with you, i think, i just might be able to go, to sleep.....
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[07 Aug 2004|12:47pm] |
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mood |
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MIssing PAM :( |
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music |
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Mad World - Gary Jules |
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ummm randomness, i miss pam, and ummmmmmmmm heres a bunch of pics and a quiz.
kel sent this to me last night, the evil family lol ( evil family )
Do not mess with the morning me lol ( morning me )
My strat... its too beautiful ( my guitar )
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[07 Aug 2004|12:01pm] |
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Im only doing this because its ironic lol, im finally gonna start updating nowthat everyone has left me instead of entertaining them when they were bored. well guess what i am too and will be all day long no doubt. my mom needs to buy me more shirts, i gots to pinkishy floyd ones, and yeah..... im uberly bored still and i have to wait 21 more days for my pamela to get back.... untill then its non stop suffering... kel is now my friend again, again, i feel deja vu, well hopefully shes my friend to stay this time... and i might see collateral tommorow, and yeah, i have left over pizza wooo hooo, someone put me in a coma for a few weeks please....
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[04 Aug 2004|06:35pm] |
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It has been exactly a month, probably should have put that in the previous post... i rememeber dates pretty well, i wonder if pam remembers, hehe kinda sily but ummm yeah... goobye
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[04 Aug 2004|10:27am] |
ive been hanging out at robs the past like 3 days, just chillin, playing guitar, watching good movies (donnie darko was awesome) and just general awesomeness. we went to this japanese place where they make le food right in front of you... and umm yeah, last night robs friend cam came over, and hes prettya wesome too, he can sing really well. now i m here on robs comp, bleh, goin back to mommies today.
i wish today was the 28th...i havent been on my lj, for a few days mind you... but if i ahd been writing as much as other usually do, it would be hard not to obsesse, but the more i obsess on it, the more i want it to be a day that its not. and i cant help but tell my friends that im with the most wonderful person ive ever met, and now shes gone... for a month.... only 24 days.... well im just adding this in here cause pam said that only kel wrote about how she missed her, so ill just make my thoughts more tangible here to everyone. i miss pam, like more then anything, even when i do othere things to forget, it takes only slight little associations to bring it back, and yeah... ask michelle and she made a bet to see how long i could go wihtout saying pam, suffice to say didnt last very long cause i didnt have much else on my mind...and wow... I MISS YOU PAM!!!!!!! and ill try to call you, if i ever can..... the 28th and i wont have to suffer....
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[31 Jul 2004|09:21pm] |
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Feeling a helluve a lot better then last night.... and ummm I GOT A STRAT.... omg its so beautiful and that way it squeals, purs, and growls, i love my guitar..... and ummm yeah im gonna go now...
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[30 Jul 2004|11:01pm] |
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umm im gonna turn on some rgith now |
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I had technically taken this ages ago, and i do remember getting watership down once...
( book quiz )
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